TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have A different location the place American Gentlemen can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: present Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he should really stop using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from House, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after finding the making's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting awareness from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD can have transform-down support."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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